|32 weeks pregnant with Sofia|
Everywhere I look lately, I see them. Babies. Everywhere, I say. I know, I know it's a natural part of life but it's like now every time I see them, I get a raging case of baby fever. I get that feeling of wanting to hold a little butterball in my arms again. Of breastfeeding said butterball, or just watching butterball grow. It's gotten to the point where Juan has to jokingly tell me to look away while at church for example.
Sofia is four years old and is at the age where she could probably be a good big sister, but when she was a baby having another one was the least of my thoughts.
Now I struggle with the thought of going through the process of having another child. I'm more so leaning toward not having one, but mostly because of the following health issues:
Now that I'm a diabetic, things have changed regarding pregnancy and beyond. I can't just be like "hey, I'm pregnant!" I have to plan things out. I have to make sure I'm healthy enough with my blood sugar to keep myself and the future baby in the best health. I won't be able to take my metformin medicine while I'm pregnant so I would have to take insulin probably more than once a day. THAT TRULY FREAKS ME OUT. Why? I can barely get myself to stick my lancet on my finger twice a day. I'm going to be a nervous wreck with insulin shots.
I have been thinking about possibly a insulin pump rental to just constantly keep my blood sugar at a good normal range along with a blood glucose monitor but just thinking about the both of them is making my already empty wallet scream. So there is that problem that I'm trying to work through.
My Abdominal Mesh
My other problem is the fact that I have a mesh in my body. I'm only a tiny bit worried about this one because my surgeon that did the surgery reassured me that it would be fine if I managed to lose some weight. Still in the process of that but it was a plus at the time. I don't feel much pain any more; just some scar tissue trying to be a pain from time to time. I also read on forums about mothers that had them. They had some pretty bad pain during their pregnancy from tummy's stretching but they seemed to believe it was more the scar tissue than the mesh itself. That makes me feel a bit better but I need to talk with a OB to see more about that. Speaking of...
There are things other than health that might hold us back too from having Baby Ortiz #2. I still need to pay off the hospital debt I owe for the OB that I had for Sofia. 800 to be exact. I don't know where that 800 is just going to poof from, but until I take care of that, I might have to find a new one. Which sucks cause I really liked her.
Space in the House
Currently we live in a two bedroom house. Which suited us just fine right now because we had just La Princesa living with us. But when my mother came to live with us, things became a bit constricting. Sofia still sleeps in her own bed in our room so child production has definitely came to a standstill just from that alone. There is no way we can fit another child in this house right now when it comes down to it. Whenever things change and we find some space again, there is still the fact of the matter that Sofia will never get a chance to have her own space. Or what if we have a boy? There will have to be a lot of brainstorming for decorating in that little area.
First and foremost, I love my child. Deeply. But I've been having this feeling lately about fixing my life the way I want it to be. I have been transfixed in that mindset; trying to finish my first book, trying to get my photography business booming. So sometimes I think that I just don't have the time to be thinking about having another child just yet. Also our little rocket girl (because she is always running back and forth from one place to another) is handful enough right now.
So see what I mean? The struggle is real. So, why would I want a child?
To feel this again:
And to see this again:
I don't think that's too much to ask, right?
Let's say I did become pregnant with a new baby? What would future names be? Definitely Giovani Ivan if I ever have a boy. The girl name would be a bit more tougher. I love the name Briseis. Juan loves the name Cassandra. But no matter what I want her middle name to be Ana Rose or Anais to go with Sofia's middle name: Anneliese.
I would love to have advice from any of you mommies out there that might have been through the same experiences or are feeling the same. Maybe one day I'll make a decision, but right now...I'm happy with the way life is.