Tuesday, March 24, 2015
Queen's Sweet Downward Spiral
Okay, real talk... I use my blog to show my life and my family. With all of the pictures that I show, it seems like I have a pretty happy life but the reality is so far from the truth. My life isn't happy and what I'm about to say on this post, I'm pretty sure that a lot of you mothers and ladies can relate to me. This month has been one of the hardest I have went through and today I'm pretty sure I can say that I have had a mental breakdown. I have cried so many tears today that I don't know how I even have more to give.
I found out that I have Type 2 diabetes yesterday from my doctor at a well women's exam. I was just so...shocked...and afraid and so lost. The thought of myself having to prick my finger two times, three days a week wasn't what I wanted to do. The thought of taking a new medicine that's going to wreck havoc on my body wasn't something I want to do. But it is what it is and I have this. I want to deny it I want to scream and throw stuff and yet...I can't.
The reason I am so afraid is amplified by my anxiety. I keep thinking the worst...thinking about what will happen if I don't take care of this the right way. I'm afraid that I will end up like my nanny, wearing shoes cause she can't feel anything on her feet. I'm terrified at this whole situation and when my doctor told me this bad news, I was just numb. It was the breaking point for for all of the crap that was already piled on me.
1. my anxiety is skyrocketing through the roof to the point where I can feel my heart beat pounding all the time
2. My husband...while I love him to death, stresses me so much. We don't have a connective relationship like we used to.
3. My child...I stress about how I parent her and how she is taking to my parenting. Potty training is very hard for me with testing my patience.
4. My mother and I are trying to talk more but we have our differences more often than not
5. I don't drive and I'm afraid to drive
6. I don't have a job and that means no money
7. I'm constantly in pain in some way... my pelvis, my abdominal muscles, my sinuses...
8. I feel like I'm constantly being judged by either my husband, my mom or my family. I feel like I have to walk on eggshells and constantly feel like I need to be to myself because I always mess things up.
I'm just sick and tired of all of this crap and it bears down on me so much that I just want to run away from it all. I want to run of way from my duties of being a mother and a wife. Isn't that just the worst thing ever to say? Didn't I make this choice? Didn't I decide that I wanted a child? Didn't I pick this man to be my husband? What the hell is wrong with me?
Now I just want to get away...I need help and professional health at that. Nobody here in my house can help me. I need somebody to understand me and help me in the right direction so that I can feel better with my daughter and my husband and my mom. Have any of you ever felt like this?
Is this my mid-life crisis? Because I truly believe my life is going in a downward spiral. I can picture it in my head.
What can I do to make my life better? I believe in God...but I don't have faith. I have meds, but I'm afraid to take them. This has got to get better. It's just got to.