Tuesday, November 18, 2014

No Matter What They Say...

I am beautiful...no matter what they say. Words can't bring me down.

My body has been through so much in life. In no way am I frail or ridden with disease, but it certainly isn't the same that it used to be when I was young. When I grew up I was skinny...so skinny I was made fun of at school, but then my curves and other womanly body parts started to grow in place of where I was thin. I was elated, but that soon went away as I realized that my body was still growing and instead of being curvy, I realized that I was growing fat. I was so aware of my body image then but not so much that I was exercising every day. On the contrary, I really didn't exercise at all.

I wasn't a fan of PE or anything like that and to tell the truth, I'm still not. But I didn't like not being able to fit into cute clothes either like at Wet Seal or Forever 21. It truly sucked. It sucked not being able to wear cute boots because my calf muscles were naturally large. I felt so bad in my body and I really didn't like it much. But I forced myself to like myself because I knew that I was pretty somewhere. This was in high school that I felt this way.

After school, I really don't know what happened, but I started looking better than I ever had in life. I still had some flab here and there, but my legs looked good, my arms looked good and I just felt good. I guess because I really didn't worry so much about it. I had other things to worry about like what to do with my life. 

2009 was the year of the selfies. I felt really good about myself then, so much so that I guess I couldn't keep myself out of my phone! It makes me laugh to think that I was so vain then, but then again, I miss that time of my life too. I miss feeling beautiful about myself. I miss knowing that I was beautiful.

When I became a Patient Transporter at JPS hospital, I started gaining more and more weight from all of the food that was available for me to eat. There was the gift store, the cafeteria and a McDonalds there so I was never hungry. It was convenient but not at all good for my body. Juan was thin too back then. 

Everything changed drastically when I became pregnant with Sofia. I was already pretty big then but gaining 30 pounds for my little girl didn't help at all, even when I gained my pre pregnancy weight back. Turns out I had overstretched my ab muscles with her inside me and had gained a diastasis recti that never got solved. In fact, because it didn't, I actually had gotten two hernia at two different times. First one was after pregnancy and the second was a year after the first surgery for it. I blame myself for it, but I also didn't know where to go to get it fixed that didn't cost an arm and a leg. Physical trainers drain your wallet like cars do to gas. I was a mess and my stomach is covered in stretch marks and scars.

I don't like taking pictures now because whenever I look in them I just feel...not all right with myself. I don't feel as beautiful as I did years ago. I don't feel like I'm at my best. This is my most recent picture that I feel pretty.

Truly? Sometimes I wonder what Juan even sees in me. It's sad to think of myself like this, but it is what it is.

So what am I going to do about it? Whatever I can. Now that I have so much pain in my body, it's telling me that the time is now to fix it. I need to see what I can do. Even if it means changing my diet slowly and exercising more then that's what I'll need to do. Sofia and Juan are worth it.

I am worth it. I just need some time to catch up to that fact. I know that many other women feel the same I do, but their minds aren't mine. I have to start feeling beautiful about myself again. It's going to be a journey, but I'm ready to partake in it. I hope you will join me for the ride.

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