Friday, January 17, 2014

Glamorous Things and Patch Ups



Once again it's going to be pretty busy this weekend and I wonder when I'm going to decide just to lay in bed and rest myself. It's not hard wired in me to be in bed all day. If Juan had the chance, he would sleep all day long in the bed. But not me...I can only lay in the bed so long before I have to tell myself to get up and do something. But anyway...tomorrow we will be going to Daniel and Fatima's wedding reception party. They had the ceremony already so they are literally husband and wife, but they couldn't have the reception because of the winter storm. So they moved it to this date. I didn't have a dress so my husband shockingly let me use the credit card to buy it and some shoes. I was happy but it took a little while to get the dress due to bank account problems. Most likely I'm just going to close my account with Wells Fargo. I have no job and they keep taking out funds for a monthly fee. Stupid in my opinion but that's the plan and then I'll go to Chase. My mom says they are pretty flexible. Flexible is what I need for sure. I ended up getting a black sleeveless dress with a black chiffon skirt and some sparkling heels. When I tried it on I felt more beautiful than I have in a long time. Juan approved of it too.

I went to see my therapist yesterday as well. Dr. Wade and I have been doing visits for a little while now and so far she's already getting me to open up about things I had have trapped inside me. I told her about my constant grieving for my Nanny and how I fear death. Because of that I feel like I have to get things through in my life before that happens. I really do believe that's what messed part of our marriage. I was so in a hurry to have a family before 2012 that I was willing to rush. It's a horrible stupid reason, but for somebody scarred out of her mind of the unknown..it was the only thing I could think of at the time. Yes, I love my husband and I did when we first started dating, but I know that if this whole hype about 2012 hadn't happened, we'd probably still be boyfriend and girlfriend right now, waiting it out for the right time. Sofia still would have probably been conceived, but there wouldn't have been a rush to be married. Anyway...after telling Dr. Wade this, she finally got me to see things. She said, "You have to imagine your life like a piece of cake. You know that when you eat it...it's going to to be gone when you finish it, but you have to make sure you eat it and savor its sweetness anyway. Relish it."

I need to see my life like that. I need to just live for now and stop worrying about what's to come. Sofia deserves that from me. I need to show her that life is a great. I really like my therapist so far. She's been helping me a lot. I see good things coming from her.

I know because when I was riding home with my mother, I felt this sudden need to talk to my Pap Paw. I really hadn't talked to him since Nanny passed away and had only saw him once after he got married. I had a lot of pent up feelings when it came to him and my family. But I realized from a lot of people that he had a right to be happy in anyway he needed to be. It wasn't my decision what he did in his life. Once I knew that, all I knew was that I missed him...so much. I called him late and as soon as he said "hello." it was like all of the floodgates had been opened. I sobbed as I told him how much I loved him and how much I missed him and that I wanted him to be happy. He told me that he was and really that's all that mattered to me. I know that he loved Nanny, but now it was time for him to keep being happy the way he needed to. I feel so much better knowing that I talked to him and that everything was ok between us.

Now it's time for me to find my happiness in the way I need to as well.



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